Is this merely a trick of my unbalanced hormones influencing my desires for a family or a twisted fate of being prevented from properly raising my child once again?
I twirl a pencil in my hand staring an empty piece of paper, partially listening to Carwyn's voice giving Taran a verbal lashing. So many different opinions, information, and suggestions have been given since this morning. At least I've been able to calm down from the absolute disbelief from the morning, continuously referring back to the pendulum to make sure I was hearing correctly. But every time, every single bloody time the pendulum swung yes.
None of this feels real like this is some kind of huge joke that everyone was in on. They've been wrong before why can't this situation be any different? Maybe this monthly cycle is just really messing me up and they're reading all the signs wrong. I keep telling myself this, but a voice in the back of my mind reminds me constantly that Pedran is a trained physician. Why would he lie about something serious as this?
Dropping the pencil on the table I glance at my brother, surprised to see him grasping Taran's collar tightly looking like he wanted to throttle the man in his grasp despite the obvious difference in stature and size. Taran, however, just allowed Carwyn to vent but also absorbing every word that came tumbling out.
I wonder if this is how parents feel when they receive surprising news like this with their children. Some kind a mixture of between anger and frustration and 'You should of known better' but mixed in with some kind endearment of the idea of a child. Is this what Carwyn is feeling? Is this what others are feeling? I don't know how I feel, there is no way I could compare how anyone else is feeling about this possibility of caring a child.
Just seeing how Carwyn was still grasping Taran's collar, I furrowed my brows. Throughout the day Taran's been the target for any anger while I've been treated carefully like a glass flower that would crack with any mishandling. He's received such a variety of criticism from what were you thinking, you should have known better and he probably planned this all along. The last comment angers and upsets me every time I think about it. I keep being told that it's rare for this to happen and if that's so, Taran probably didn't think anything was going to happen. He can be an asshole, I know that and I've seen it, but he's not that much of an asshole. It's like saying that he didn't care about what I thought and he was using me which is such a ridiculous notion.
Even now, I can feel guilt and some regret radiating from him. What Carywn was saying to him, he was taking to heart. Shouldn't I be sharing the blame for this? After all I did say okay to his advances. We thought nothing of it, the astral place functions on a different level than the physical reality. We love each other, isn't that natural?
"Do you regret? Do you regret any of this" He asks me so sincerely. He out of Carwyn's grasp and leaning in close playing with the ends of my hair. He's staring straight into my eyes unwavering, waiting for my answer.
I shake my head. lightly "Not a single thing." I reach out, barely brushing my fingertips against his cheek. He seems relieved with my answer but not content.
He offers another way, hesitantly. "There are ways to prevent having the child. Just an option that you can take if you don't want this. There's always another choice."
Just the idea makes my stomach turn unpleasantly in rejection. I appreciate that I was given another choice, given the option but even still I couldn't imagine doing such a thing. As if he could sense my answer without saying or motion anything, he pulls me closer and gently hugs me. Being extra careful like the last few days, extra gentle. Reaching up, I hold onto his arms leaning my head against the middle of his chest.
If this is really happening, how is this all suppose to work? All that I'm told is that it'll be a much quicker pregnancy, no nine month wait, and that physically I shouldn't change to much. Possibly gain a bit of weight and some mood swings, maybe a change in diet. Astrally though, I will physically change drastically that others will notice without trouble. Pedran predicts with the rate I'm growing (if I'm really growing at all) that it will be little over two weeks.
But what then? What happens when I'm suppose to go into labor? Will I physically feel pain or will it be slight and really uncomfortable? How will I know? There is just so many questions that I don't understand. Then there is the concern how will I take care of her if I physically can't touch or hold her? How am I suppose to feel about all this? Am I suppose to be terrified? Am I suppose to joyful?
I just curl myself closer to Taran. Is this a dream or reality?
