You know that feeling when you've worked hard for something and your efforts are paid off? The glorious rush of excitement at being recognized for hours upon hours of perfecting and triple checking to make sure there is no loose ends. I have.
My latest achievement is being accepted into University of Wales Trinity Saint David's for postgraduate study. I had my worries. When it came to being accepted into a university for undergraduate I was literally mailed a sheet of paper requesting to fill it out to apply for the university. No essay, no requirements. Just fill in the information. Accepted. No hard work needed except for my studies during the last four years.
This time however I was applying to graduate school, one that was overseas with different requirements than what the states use. Months of checking through applications to make sure every single piece of information was accurate, perfecting statement of purposes, e-mailing the professors from the university, and mental breakdowns when something went wrong. Then the e-mail came with confirmation that the program accepted me. I've never been happier to receive such news, more so then when I was accepted to study in Japan. However, I knew I was qualified to go to Japan and enter the exchanged university.
Wales. I was returning to a country that I had fallen in love with after only being there for one day. I remember everything; the friendly people, the towns the bus drove through and stopped at, the castles explored, the luscious green life the covered the landscape. And I was returning to this beautiful place.
It was until recently that I began to realize after unable to find a job for the summer, that I may not be able to go back to Wales due to fiances. I can continue with the program as a postgraduate, all my classes are online and I don't have to be in the country. The earth-shattering realization that though I am attending a Wales' University, I might not receive the chance to go abroad because of money. Money of all things. Not because of lack of qualifications, but because of money.
It's so incredibly frustrating, and upsetting that this is the only reason. Our world today is so focused on money that it doesn't even matter that students are going into exponential debt and can barely find jobs to pay for living expenses. There are scholarships, however, I've never been able to receive the essential scholarships that could help with money because I'm average. Yes average. I have no exceptional skills in essay-writing, planning, leadership, creativity, knowledge in political backgrounds or anything that scholarships are looking for. I'm not of a certain ethnicity or descendant of people who made an impact on our country. I am not apart of certain organizations or a specific religion.
I'm a white, middle-class female. Average.
The closest skill I could possibly achieve in getting a scholarship for is art; but even still, my art is average. There is no technique that makes my work unique or stand out nor do I have the fancy computer programs that wows today's artists.
This just builds up upon my frustration. Because despite all these other efforts to find grants, scholarships, a part time job just end up in failure of what I truly wish to do. I only got half of what I've been driving for. It's hard to take in. I don't want to hear the "I'm sorrys" because those "I'm sorrys" won't change a damn thing and only irritates me further. I know it's not pity. I just can't help but take it as that. What really irritates me the most are the people who say "I'm sorry" and try to sympathize with me when they don't understand how hard I worked because they've never worked that hard for something like this. They just ask for money from their parents or they just have to sell something for a lot of money to get what they want. How would you know what this feels like?
All those here try and sooth my raging emotions. I feel their comforting touches and whispers of that this will happen because it's part of my path. I appreciate them for trying to calm my worries and frustrations, but this is something that I can not sit back and wait to see what will happen. I want this tangible to me, something I control because this is something I really want. I've tried not asking for to many things when growing up, I knew my mom had a hard time with money, I didn't want to burden them and if there was something I did want, I would try and figure out how to get it without involving my mother or father. But this, this is something I can't give up on. This is something I want to happen this time around not years later. This has to happen, there is no other choice for me because if I can't do this how can I do something like this in the future?
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