Just Let Go

"Let go."

Uriel's repeated words echoed in my head. It was not like a chant but the moment my mind started to draw away from the topic his words smoothly cut through any distracting thoughts. Just like all our previous meetings, it is always the same message: "You have to let go."

Music is not the method for me. His last attempt did conclude with me relaxing more but no where to the depth that he wants me to be.

To absolutly let go and to lose myself is a huge obstacle that I can not seem to climb over. I'm standing at the line where if I step over there would a flood gate of opportunities and abilities that I would have access to. I can feel the knowledge that hovers behind the line but it's the line that I can not cross no matter how much I try to force myself. I have to be in control; despite how easy going I can be with other people when it comes to myself I will not allow anything to move me only if I wish it. If there's something I want to do, I will do it: I make the decisions when it's about me.

I'm scared.

Every time I come to this topic I can feel the desire to move from this spot and push forward, however, I'm scared to make the drop. The rare moments I begin slip away from my control there is a sudden realization that I am doing so and I snap back in a tight grip. My heart is always racing and I can feel the fear.

Why? Why is it so hard to do something that everyone seems to grasp so easily?

"The world won't shatter if you let go."

But it will. There's a sudden realization of why I am so afraid to just let go. It's because I am afraid of the truth that I may find. That truth could shatter my entire world that I've come to terms with the last two years.

The words just pour out of my mouth, "I am afraid. I am afraid that everything I know, everything I learned and felt these past two years are not real. Not that these entities are noy real, I have no doubt with that truth. I am afraid that these relationships that I've re-created with my family is fake. I'm afraid that this person that I've apparently loved throughout my lives just created this elaborate storyline and fed me all these lies in order to entertain himself. And I'm hating myself for doubting him like this. I have hard proof from when he's channeled, my friends assuring with a level of amazement of how much he cares, these memories, all the days and nights where I call for his comfort and never hesitates to give it. But there is that what if.

I'm terrified that all this is lie."

I can feel as these words escape my mouth, Taran's entire body language changing beside me. I can feel the sudden surprise but also that he's taking in every single word I say, processing it. I know what I say hurts him, to have this doubt in him when he clearly does not a single strand of doubt in me. At the same time, he seems to understand and mules over the information I've given.

I just want to step off the edge, I do want to let go but the fear is holding me back.

"It's all right to let go. I will always be here to catch you." Despite my hurtful doubts, he still is here unwavering. How can he be this strong and unafraid?

I stare at the edge, the line, the wall. Please, I beg in my mind to whoever is listening, Don't let my world shatter.