I think I love him, and I wish that I could say that to him.

It's so strange to have it feel similar to what I've felt for Taran.

My Name.

My name is being called again.

It's a strange sensation that I can hardly describe. No one is calling my name in the physical world nor from beyond the veil but yet I still hear something. Whether it's from somewhere that was in between the two realms or possibly somewhere deeper, I am not sure. I do know that I am the only one who can hear that someone calling.

I also know that none of my kind can follow me to this place that I find myself wandering into. Every night, late in the evening when the moon is at it's highest is when it begins and I can't help but be drawn to the sound. Even in the depths of my sleep I'm pulled into a level of semi-consciousness to find myself walking in the darkness.

I am walking again in a void of darkness. The ground is cool and smooth against my bare feet as I walk in search of who is calling me. As I walk it feels like I'm a little star among the night sky. Everything is so dark yet I can see myself perfectly; my hands and feet, even the dress that I am wearing. But I don't see anything in the void despite how much I walk.

Normally, I eventually wake up completely slipping back into reality before I can find anything or anyone. However, tonight is different. The darkness fades away and I find myself stand in the middle of a forest with the sun shining brightly above the canape of thick branches and lush leaves. I flickered my eyes around to observe the new surroundings; it was strange to be in the sunlight. Every time I travel, even during the day, I find myself when the sun is setting or the starry, moonlit sky has claimed night.

Cautiously I walk forward again through the line of trees. The grass is soft, not irritating my skin like I would expect. The forest is quiet with no signs or sounds of life. I can't hear the voice anymore and concern grows inside my chest making it feel tight. I am unsure of where to go next. I stop near a tree curling against the bark, glancing around the area. 

Finally there is movement.

Someone is walking through the forest heading in my direction. The steps are silent as if there person walking isn't making a sound but I can see them coming closer and closer. But the closer they get the more uneasy I get. They way that the moved seemed... not human; too still, too quiet but yet has effortless grace. I all ready know, I don't have to guess. Their appearance is that of a male form with long, straight, snow white hair with most of the locks tied back loosely while the rest hangs in front. Even from the distance I can see the piercing ice blue orbs for eyes. I hold my breath when he nears, waiting for something to happen but he walks past me as if he doesn't see me. For a moment, relief washes over me but all that evaporates when he pauses from his stride as if he just processed my presence.

He turns his head and stares at me, unblinkingly. He knows. "You."

I try hiding myself behind the trunk of the tree despite knowing that the tree would serve me no protection. I want to run but I all ready know he would catch me easily enough. My kin nor my kind will hear me call for help. I'm all alone.

He steps forward in my direction. His face is stoic not revealing any emotion but his eyes are raging like a fierce ice storm. "You are trouble." With a flick of his wrist, he all ready has his slender fingers wrapped tightly around an elegant dagger. "You don't belong here and you certainly aren't going to create such an abomination," he growls the last word heading straight for me. Instinctively I bend down, eyes clutched shut and my hands covering my head expecting to be struck and writhing in pain. Instead I hear the sound of metal meeting metal.

Hesitantly I peer open my eyes to see him standing in front of me, his body being a shield against the one with the white hair. "That's enough," he growls towards the attacker who instantly backs off. His expression is not kind and filled with angry but he doesn't speak. He tosses away the dagger, giving one final side eye look before walking again through the forest as if nothing happened.

I could see the muscle slowly relax once the attack was far enough away before he turned around to face me. It's him again... the angel that exists but doesn't exists. His thick mane looks like the wind ran a hand through it and put it in a ponytail resting against the middle of his neck without trying to tame the mess.He bends down to meet my eyes level; his golden brown eyes boring into mind. I can easily see the reflection of his personality in them: mischievous with a bit of arrogance but sparks of a caring nature flicker through. Lightly the tips of his fingers skim my cheek. "Are you all right?"

I swallow and nod. "Yes."

Even now, he feels like he is really here. This realm is not the other world and is most certainly not reality. He doesn't exist in either, yet here he is.

He grins, wide and full. "You've finally walked into the light."

Lately I've been standing in the middle of darkness with the starry night sky above. The ground below is only a shallow level of water reaching up to my ankles. No grass, no trees, no plant life, just water.

I do not move from my spot, only numbly watch as a single drop hits the water causing ripples to spread out in gentle waves. Once the water steadies and returns to its unmoving form, another drop falls.

I do not question where the drop of water comes from nor do I focus on the water's reflection.

Why am I here?

Am I suppose to look into the water's reflection?

What am I suppose to do?

Fighting For Our Happiness

I could see the scene unfold before me; standing there as an invisible participant in the background.



The tall, dark wooden doors were thrown open and she stormed through. Her normally free, flowing pale blond locks were twisted together in a long braid with strands of her bangs and side burns free to frame her angular face. Though her hair tied, her white gown flowed behind her with it shimmering a silver sheen in the candle lights. Her hands were curled into fists and her eyes narrowed into a furious glare, the color paling to the blue winter skies rather than the normal calm cerulean color.

She instantly observed the scene when she stormed in, her voice ringing loud and clear through the throne room. "Stop!" She came closer to those all ready in the room. There were three visible occupants but she knew at least two more where hidden in the background somewhere. One was on the ground, holding himself up with an arm while wiping blood from his mouth with his free hand. He was staring up at the man who punched him down; the man stood tall dressed in a full set of armor and his entire body language screamed to not mess or question him. The last one stood back away from the violent encounter, watching silently making no move to stop the two men.

The towering man took a step forward but the young woman shouted at him again. "I said stop it father!" Mervyn paused, finally taking note of his daughter. He was indifferent towards her anger, as he always has been when she challenged him.

"Aran-" She ignored the man on the ground, standing in front of him in a protective manner. "I wouldn't stand by and let you hurt him just because you do not approve of our relationship," she snapped towards her father.

She was furious; she knew he didn't approve of Taran but this was going to far. She couldn't sit back knowing that he was hurting Taran and probably had in mind of possibly killing him right there on the spot. She wouldn't put it pass him; killing Taran would easily take care of his "problem." He was a loving father but that didn't mean he could be cruel and merciless when he decided to be.

This time it was Mervyn's turn to snarl at her. He's tall stature and aura was intimidating; his eyes were a pale, intense blue that made want people to look away. Short, black locks and his navy blue clothing contrasted against those light eyes making them even more intense then they all ready were. "I've dealt with your desire not to be married in arranged marriage Aran but this is going to far. He is not of your status let alone worth your time. He's a mongrel!"

She could hear Taran growl at the insult but she spoke before he could speak up. "That is not your concern. It's my life and I shall decide what I will do with it like I've told you before. He's still gentry-"

"Someone's lap dog," Mervyn intervened with a mock of a laugh.

Aran gritted her teeth for a moment, angry that he interrupted her. "Enough of this. You're going to have to approve of him, whether you like it or not."

"Really? And what makes you say that so confidently."

"Because I'm pregnant."

As the words escaped her mouth the entire room went still and silent. She watched as her father's anger disappeared with a blink of an eye, his eyes wide with surprise and tense muscles relaxed into a limp position. It was as if he had been slapped in the face. She could see her brother, who was standing off to the side, reflect the same shock but he kept flickering his gaze between the three other occupants of the room, waiting to see who would speak first. She could even feel Taran's surprised eyes behind her, no one had known.

Mervyn slowly backed up until he was sitting comfortably in his throne, not breaking his stare on her.

"If you do not approve, or even kill him, then you will have to deal with a child asking why they don't have a father. Where the father is, who he is." Aran stared unwaveringly at her father, watching him mule over and ponder over her words. She knew he considered family to be important; he remembered us loosing our mother at a young age. She was still around but forced to be somewhere she didn't want to be. Her very argument of not wanting to be in an arrange marriage. To be chained down to something or someone she didn't want to be with just like her mother's current situation.

She took small, cautious steps form towards her father. When she neared him she keeled down to sit on the floor beside the throne. She reached out and took his large hand into both of her own. She affectionately kissed the top of his hand before pressing it against her cheek. She felt him move his fingers a little to caress her cheek gently. "I'm not doing this to fight against you like a rebellious child. He may seem rather course and unrefined in your eyes but I see a different side of him that you don't see. He makes me happy father."

She could hear his heavy sigh, and she peered back up at him. She could feel his fingers pressing softly against her cheek before he spoke with a tired tone. "Not really left with a choice am I?" She smiled weakly at him. "Go home. I'll come visit you soon, you shouldn't travel as often now."

 "Thank you." She released his hand and got to her feet. Aran walked towards Taran, kneeling back down to meet his eyes level smiling weaker than she did towards her father. She could see some of the bruises swelling on his face from the damage he had taken, his thick mass of hair wild and untamed. There were still traces of blood dried along his skin that made her heart clench in worry. But his dark, golden orbs lost the surprise element and now reflected a mixture of emotions; awe, endearment, uncertainty and amongst many others."Let's go home," she murmured feeling tired herself.

She helped lift him back to his feet. He reached out, grasping one of her hands as she led them out of the throne room without another spare glance towards her male kin. Out in the safety of the hallway though he stopped her, twisting her around to face him. "Are you really...?" He trailed off as if the final word was forbidden to say.

Hesitantly, she nodded. "It's why I came out here... many of the healers that have worked under my father have known me since I was little. I thought they would be the best to see why I've been so sick lately. I... I just found out before I heard that father had summoned your presence."

A grin broke out on his face as he picked her up in delight. She laughed lightly as her arms automatically wrapped around her neck. She could feel herself relax, worry ebbing away. She was nervous about telling him and in no way planning on revealing that piece of information so soon let alone in that situation. But he was happy, and she felt happy as well and she decided that was all that mattered.

To My Dearest:

If you are reading this know that I love you and that being apart from you hurts more than you can imagine.

I still remember the day I saw you again, after all these years you stood there right before my eyes. Your smile still as bright as the sun just as I remembered but even brighter still. I could hardly believe that fate had brought us to cross paths again. Even though this time around you can not see me, it didn't matter at all to me. All I could do was watch you live this new life with such fascination and with my sister no less. I laughed in disbelief that day I saw you, the world had given me a blessing.

Just watching you was enough. But when my sister opened the door for you to enter this world, I was suddenly scared and excited. Would you end up remembering? Would you end up hating me? What will happen? Will anything happen? So many questions that it tore me apart. I had to keep my distance, to protect us both. But I should have known better, there was no possible way that I could keep myself away from you. You are like a star in the night sky, I can only watch from far away and no matter how much I reach for you, you are always out of reach.

It's frustrating. I know that you understand the feeling of this frustration: of yearning for something so much but it is an impossible desire that can not be achieved through any normal means. No matter how hard we may work, tears we cry, or hours we may sit praying; the chances are nearly impossible. It hurts that I can not comfort you, to not able wrap my arms around you to shield you from this world that has chosen to be so cruel to you. To wipe away any of your tears or share any laughter when happiness does shine upon you like sunlight.

Honestly, I wish that you didn't make the deal with him for my sister's birthday. In my mind it was entirely unfair that they shared such a rare opportunity and yet I could not do the same with you. At the same time though, it is my fault to passing up the opportunity too. She offered you know? Despite not knowing if it was even possible, she offered herself so that you and I could have the same chance. But... I was a coward. I was scared that I would hurt you in more ways that I have all ready that I couldn't bring myself to say yes. I regret that decision so much... I can't even begin to describe it. Are you mad that I chose not to?

I'm so sorry that I had to leave you alone my love. Every moment I wish that I could just come back to your side and give you what little comfort that I can. I know you are hurt, I know you are sad, I know that you are angry. I ask that you just hold on tightly to life with everything you can, push through it like you always have because I am supporting you even if it is far away.  Because at the end of all this, I promise you that it'll be worth it. I am not sure how or what will happen but I will believe that something good will be at the end of all this. It might be years from now or maybe in a day, I can not say.

I still can not say when I will be back. All I can say that I'm searching for something over here on this side of the world and I wanted to let you know that I am okay while I had this opportunity. That I constantly think of you and count the days that I can return with our son.

I also wanted to say that I love you. I don't say it enough, at all actually, but I've realized that I need to say it more and that I shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks. You need to know this and remember it well. Let it be your strength to know that you are treasured beyond anything this world, either of these worlds can ever offer. To know that I've never loved anyone but you all the centuries of living. I love you. I. Love. You.

Please hang on for you and me. I want to come back to your smile because that's what gets me through the days.

I love you with all my heart my dearest. Please remember that.

Sincerely,
Your Prince

Dear Child

He is no longer here; though I know he's been here within the last few hours.  I tentatively stepped down into the clear pound with my bare feet not caring that the white dress, the one I adorn every time I step into the realm, was getting wet. I reach out and lightly touch Wynn's white trunk feeling the smoothed out surface. "He's no longer here, is he?" I inquired glancing up at the branches.

"Yes."

"I was hoping to talking to him. I want to meet him," I sighed leaning forward and resting part of my temple against Wynn. He was like a ghost, close by, observing, but never seen and always one step ahead of everyone. But today I could feel his call, the undeniably pull to come to this sacred place. Unfortunately, I had to resist the call with much difficulty to avoid causing trouble at my job.

"Try calling for him."

I gave Wynn a blank, unamused look. "I don't even know his name. How can I possibly call him?"

"Just try."

I sighed heavily pulling away from the great oak tree. Closing my eyes I inhale deeply trying to figure out what to do exactly. Instead of calling out a name, I gathered up my energy inside thinking of a ball of light inside of me that eventually exploded sending out ways of light. I focused on the feeling and emotions I often received when thinking of him.

"You don't have to call so loudly child."

I felt my heart leap in my chest, I spun around quickly to see the one I've been searching for standing there as if he's been there all along. He easily stepped into the water without a second thought and takes his place next to me. He is focused on Wynn and reached out a hand, resting it flatly against the trunk for a few moments.

I remain silent watching every movement he made, feeling absolutely flustered. His voice was quiet, smooth and gentle but it struck a cord in my very being, within my soul. The moment he spoke, I felt drawn to him and undeniable pull to the point where I just want to inhale his very essence to ease my yearning. It was nothing sexual, this desire, it was --is-- something pure, something indescribable.

As I expected, standing next to him I could just sense how incredibly young I was in comparison to him. I do not mean in the physical sense but through the soul. He felt old despite his physical appearance. He stood much taller than myself by at least two feet, skin like alabaster. Straight, soft white locks fell from the top of his head with half of it pulled up into a pony tail with the rest cascaded down his back towards the ground. His eyes were so beautiful, they were a dark blue but the blue that you would see when night was creeping into the sky when the sun was setting. It felt like a soft, ethereal glow to him just like the moon reflected in the night sky.

"You've been wanting to meet me?" His voice snapped me back into focus. I nodded nervously and he gave a small, gentle smile. "Come, walk with me." He stepped out of the pound and held out a hand for me to take. I slipped my hand into his and he helps me out of the water before we start walking side by side.

The thought of walking somewhere else instantly strikes nervousness in me which he noted almost immediately. "Is something the matter child?"

I do not mind that he calls me a child, I understand in his eyes that I am a very young child. "I've never explored further than where Wynn resides," I admitted, feeling embarrassed for my nervous behavior. However, he does not seem to mind it. Instead he questioned me in a different topic.

"Wynn is the name you gave the oak?"

I nod, instantly feeling the need to explain my reasoning for choosing the name. He listened silently, nodding his head in an understanding manner before commenting his like for the name. Hesitantly, I requested his name for which he sighed softly. "I had a name one but it has long been lost in time. No one uses my name anymore therefore I no longer needed my name."

We reach the destination he guided us to. It's a small cliff that looks upon a large waterfall with the full moon hovering high in the sky. Instantly I could feel my spirit soar at the beautiful sight, reaching high up trying to touch the moon. I could not hold back a bright smile at the sight. There are a few moments of silence before I return to the previous topic. "Do you not have any immediate family anymore to use your name?"

"No.Though I have many descendants the line has extended to far for anyone to remember. Many of siblings are no longer around and there are few that carry my bloodline strongly."

"Since bloodline is not enough," He turns his head, eyes focused upon me indicating that he is listening. "Though many have your bloodline, not many have the draw, or association to the moon?"

"Correct." He reached out and smoothed back by bangs, running his hand down through my hair. The action reminded me of a parent endearingly touching their child out of love. "It's been a long time since I met any of my descendants who fit that category."

"Did I ever meet you when I was... well, in my first life?"

A light shake of his head came in pair with his response. "No."

"Did you ever meet my mother? My first mother?" I added on quickly, correcting my previous statement by adding more detail.

"Only once. She may have my bloodline and does have that moon association, it is no where near as strong as yours. When I met her, I had advised her to give present the Moon Court to you."

I blinked in surprised, no where expecting that answer from him. "You were the one who advised her to do that?" I always knew that mother was the one to name me to take upon Moon Court but I had always wondered why me especially when I was so young.

"It was I child. You were the best choice to take up the role even though it wouldn't be until you were older."

"What about Ciar?" As much as I hated Cair with every fiber of my being, he was still strongly associated with the moon like I was. He was still of the same bloodline as mine though not as directly, he was still a descendant of this man I stood next to.

"Ciar." The tone of voice was one of obvious disdain, as if the name left a bad taste in his mouth. "He let power and desire cloud his head and went insane because of it. The fool falling in love with a star." As soon as the emotion of hatred had came, it disappeared with a sigh. "However, insanity is also apart of our line unfortunately. Many of my siblings fell to the power of the mind, wrapped up in their selfish desires whether it was to be loved or control of absolute power. After all, your word for lunatic has its roots to the word for moon."

"I have lived for a long time child. I have seen the world change many times, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. I may be old, but I do not regret living. I do not wish to fade away from existence as many assume from those who are immortal. There is still something new to see with each passing age." He glanced down at me, a small smile upon his features again. He reaches out and smoothed back my hair again before caressing my cheek. "I am glad that there is still hope for my line."

"For now, sleep. I can feel you fading away from this place."

"Can I meet you again?" I requested, a little afraid that this was my one and only time of speaking to him. He paused before agreeing, saying that he would like to see me again. "Is there a name I can call you?"

"No. I do not have a name for you to call me, however, you can give me a name. Like you have given Wynn a name."

With that I slip away into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Just Let Go

"Let go."

Uriel's repeated words echoed in my head. It was not like a chant but the moment my mind started to draw away from the topic his words smoothly cut through any distracting thoughts. Just like all our previous meetings, it is always the same message: "You have to let go."

Music is not the method for me. His last attempt did conclude with me relaxing more but no where to the depth that he wants me to be.

To absolutly let go and to lose myself is a huge obstacle that I can not seem to climb over. I'm standing at the line where if I step over there would a flood gate of opportunities and abilities that I would have access to. I can feel the knowledge that hovers behind the line but it's the line that I can not cross no matter how much I try to force myself. I have to be in control; despite how easy going I can be with other people when it comes to myself I will not allow anything to move me only if I wish it. If there's something I want to do, I will do it: I make the decisions when it's about me.

I'm scared.

Every time I come to this topic I can feel the desire to move from this spot and push forward, however, I'm scared to make the drop. The rare moments I begin slip away from my control there is a sudden realization that I am doing so and I snap back in a tight grip. My heart is always racing and I can feel the fear.

Why? Why is it so hard to do something that everyone seems to grasp so easily?

"The world won't shatter if you let go."

But it will. There's a sudden realization of why I am so afraid to just let go. It's because I am afraid of the truth that I may find. That truth could shatter my entire world that I've come to terms with the last two years.

The words just pour out of my mouth, "I am afraid. I am afraid that everything I know, everything I learned and felt these past two years are not real. Not that these entities are noy real, I have no doubt with that truth. I am afraid that these relationships that I've re-created with my family is fake. I'm afraid that this person that I've apparently loved throughout my lives just created this elaborate storyline and fed me all these lies in order to entertain himself. And I'm hating myself for doubting him like this. I have hard proof from when he's channeled, my friends assuring with a level of amazement of how much he cares, these memories, all the days and nights where I call for his comfort and never hesitates to give it. But there is that what if.

I'm terrified that all this is lie."

I can feel as these words escape my mouth, Taran's entire body language changing beside me. I can feel the sudden surprise but also that he's taking in every single word I say, processing it. I know what I say hurts him, to have this doubt in him when he clearly does not a single strand of doubt in me. At the same time, he seems to understand and mules over the information I've given.

I just want to step off the edge, I do want to let go but the fear is holding me back.

"It's all right to let go. I will always be here to catch you." Despite my hurtful doubts, he still is here unwavering. How can he be this strong and unafraid?

I stare at the edge, the line, the wall. Please, I beg in my mind to whoever is listening, Don't let my world shatter.

The Candles

An autumn scent emitted from the candle on the side table. Picking up the lighter I stared at the five candles set up neatly on my dresser; three, tall white candles with two tiny green in between resting in a glass container. I close my eyes words tumbling into existence without any effort as I lit each wick; Let these candles guide any lost souls back home. Return to where you need to be. Let the light guide your way.

The flames flicker into existence, the wick crackling. This feeling... it's hard to describe. Familiar, like I've done this a million times before. It feels calming and rewarding. It feels like someone's listening. It feels... good.

An image flashes in my mind. I'm standing in a middle of a marble hall in bare footed, the cold stone beneath my feet. I'm standing tall dressed in a long white dress hanging every curve and the hem dragging behind me. My hair is longer, thicker, lighter hanging down to my waist. My fingers loosely laced together in front, gazing endearingly at the endless white candles lining both sides of the hall.

Have I done this before, long ago?

Name

Sitting here looking through a list of Welsh-origin names; Deryn, Arianwen, Ceri, Kiah, Seren... and then there was the name Lynn. I never knew that my middle name was related to a Welsh word, I was surprised to be honest. Though it's mostly a feminine name, it can be masculine. In English, the name can mean "pretty." However, it's roots derive from the Welsh (some sources just give a general category of Celtic) word llyn meaning lake and can be interpreted as meaning simply "lake" or "by/from the lake.

Bodies of water, such as lakes, have always been interpreted as connections with the Otherworld as gateways and the supernatural residents of the Otherworld. There are various stories, myths, and legends that have this water connection throughout the Insular Celtic countries including the island of Avalon, Arther receiving Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake, fae women being whisk away by mortal men to marry, and the list continues.

This would be a fitting name if the child is born a female. She would be named after me from this current life that she will be born into but still not from this plane. She will be fae, there is no question in that, a resident of the Otherworld. She would be from both worlds it would be only fitting that she should get a name that would work in both realms.

Lynn. I think that would be a nice name.

Dream or reality?

Is this merely a trick of my unbalanced hormones influencing my desires for a family or a twisted fate of being prevented from properly raising my child once again?

I twirl a pencil in my hand staring an empty piece of paper, partially listening to Carwyn's voice giving Taran a verbal lashing. So many different opinions, information, and suggestions have been given since this morning. At least I've been able to calm down from the absolute disbelief from the morning, continuously referring back to the pendulum to make sure I was hearing correctly. But every time, every single bloody time the pendulum swung yes.

None of this feels real like this is some kind of huge joke that everyone was in on. They've been wrong before why can't this situation be any different? Maybe this monthly cycle is just really messing me up and they're reading all the signs wrong. I keep telling myself this, but a voice in the back of my mind reminds me constantly that Pedran is a trained physician. Why would he lie about something serious as this?

Dropping the pencil on the table I glance at my brother, surprised to see him grasping Taran's collar tightly looking like he wanted to throttle the man in his grasp despite the obvious difference in stature and size. Taran, however, just allowed Carwyn to vent but also absorbing every word that came tumbling out.

I wonder if this is how parents feel when they receive surprising news like this with their children. Some kind a mixture of between anger and frustration and 'You should of known better' but mixed in with some kind endearment of the idea of a child. Is this what Carwyn is feeling? Is this what others are feeling? I don't know how I feel, there is no way I could compare how anyone else is feeling about this possibility of caring a child.

Just seeing how Carwyn was still grasping Taran's collar, I furrowed my brows. Throughout the day Taran's been the target for any anger while I've been treated carefully like a glass flower that would crack with any mishandling. He's received such a variety of criticism from what were you thinking, you should have known better and he probably planned this all along. The last comment angers and upsets me every time I think about it. I keep being told that it's rare for this to happen and if that's so, Taran probably didn't think anything was going to happen. He can be an asshole, I know that and I've seen it, but he's not that much of an asshole. It's like saying that he didn't care about what I thought and he was using me which is such a ridiculous notion.

Even now, I can feel guilt and some regret radiating from him. What Carywn was saying to him, he was taking to heart. Shouldn't I be sharing the blame for this? After all I did say okay to his advances. We thought nothing of it, the astral place functions on a different level than the physical reality. We love each other, isn't that natural?

"Do you regret? Do you regret any of this" He asks me so sincerely. He out of Carwyn's grasp and leaning in close playing with the ends of my hair. He's staring straight into my eyes unwavering, waiting for my answer.

I shake my head. lightly "Not a single thing." I reach out, barely brushing my fingertips against his cheek. He seems relieved with my answer but not content.

He offers another way, hesitantly. "There are ways to prevent having the child. Just an option that you can take if you don't want this. There's always another choice."

Just the idea makes my stomach turn unpleasantly in rejection. I appreciate that I was given another choice, given the option but even still I couldn't imagine doing such a thing. As if he could sense my answer without saying or motion anything, he pulls me closer and gently hugs me. Being extra careful like the last few days, extra gentle. Reaching up, I hold onto his arms leaning my head against the middle of his chest.

If this is really happening, how is this all suppose to work? All that I'm told is that it'll be a much quicker pregnancy, no nine month wait, and that physically I shouldn't change to much. Possibly gain a bit of weight and some mood swings, maybe a change in diet. Astrally though, I will physically change drastically that others will notice without trouble. Pedran predicts with the rate I'm growing (if I'm really growing at all) that it will be little over two weeks.

But what then? What happens when I'm suppose to go into labor? Will I physically feel pain or will it be slight and really uncomfortable? How will I know? There is just so many questions that I don't understand. Then there is the concern how will I take care of her if I physically can't touch or hold her? How am I suppose to feel about all this? Am I suppose to be terrified? Am I suppose to joyful?

I just curl myself closer to Taran. Is this a dream or reality?

Dream: The Piper

"Don't you remember?" The lady with the fire red hair, curled in tight curls stared at me curiously.

"No," I shook my head trying to recall.

The lady looked complex about my answer. "I could of swore you returned with a red butterfly balloon. It was such a strange sight."

I frowned and returned forward, slouching against the old leather of my seat. I stare at the back of the seat in front of me, trying to recall. It sounds so familiar, like something I have forgotten. The balloon nudged at my memory. The more I thought about it, the more it started to come back images piecing together;

The forest was dark but rays of moonlight filter through the bare winter trees giving enough comforting light through. Stepping down the path that lead deeper into the snow covered forest, I wondered why I was here. Why did I come down? When did I start walking down this path?

I pause my stride, noticing I'm not alone. A silhouette dashes through amongst the branches of the trees, and my eyes can't figure out where the silhouette is, but I know someone is there. A thump resonates from behind, and I turn, startled to find a young man standing there with an arrogant, confident grin on his face. He greets me, holding out his hand with the palm stretched completely open before a snowflakes appear swirling around from a non-existent wind, rising out of the palm of his hand.

My eyes widen, taking a step back away from him. His hair is as dark as the night without any moonlight shining in the sky, his eyes a hypnotic violet-blue that try to pull me deeper into a trance. He stands much taller than my young, child body wearing such a strange outfit. Golds, purples, and dark, deep blues color his outfit but all such fine clothing to announce his status of someone noble. He chuckles, lowering himself to my eye level and beckons me closer, "Come here child."

Hesitantly, I step closer. His voice is smooth, and comforting but something in the back of my mind tells me that its false, its in his nature. He drapes a bright, deep red cloak around my shoulders. Instantly I feel much warmer, I curled my hands into the fabric wanting to warm them so more. He reaches out and takes one of my hands in his own, feeling just how ice cold they were in comparison. He leans forward whispering into my ear.

That's right. I recall walking out of the forest with his guidance but he disappeared the moment I returned to my classmates. Around my wrist, a red, butterfly balloon is tied there to prevent it from flying around. I scrunch my face, trying to remember what he had said to me that night. However, I only draw a blank.

With one more bump, the bus rolled to a complete stop. Grabbing our language from underneath seats and above, we exited out of the vehicle to be greeted with the fresh, sweet air and lush green scenery. Our hotel mimicking an old stone castle with moss, and other over grown plants clinging to the old stone walls trying to reach for the skies.

Inside was a absolutely different. The room I was to share with three other girls was rather a romantic setting. The floor a pure white tile that was tinted a light pink from the reflection of the soft, light see-through pastel pink fabrics used as curtains for the tall windows and shades for our beds. Everything in the room was elegant, feminine, and gave a warm gentle feel. Dropping my bag near the bed I claimed as mine, I brushed aside the fabric in order to get to the puffy, feathered comforter and collapse on top of it.

*

Groaning, I lifted my heavy head and managed to see the back of my roommate just before she disappeared out the door. Frowning, I quickly scrambled out of my bed to follow her. Where on earth would she be going outside in her night gown for?

I continued to follow her out the hotel and down the stone path towards what looked like a huge green house. Huge enough to hold a mini forest which is what it exactly held. My roommate pushed open the glass door and stepped in. Hesitantly, I follow through the left open door and find that she has completely disappeared. Each step is filled with caution as I walk deeper into this contained forest, huddling next to tree trunks when they were close enough, observing the area looking for any signs of my roommate or anyone before moving on. I pause, suddenly feeling like someone is watching and it feels familiar. After a moment, I instantly glance up to see him once again. He's leaning comfortably against the trunk stretched out on a high branch. He's looking down at me amusingly; that confident but arrogant smile stretched across his face.

"Pipers have the power to whisk people away in the dead of the night with their music."

"Each one has their own unique power."

"Children have disappeared..."

"Michael."

My heart jumped with fear and without a second thought I turned my heel and sprinted out of the greenhouse as fast my feet could take me all the way back to my room. He's here.

*

 Dressed in a white dress and pearl jewelry, I stare at myself in the mirror. My chest tightens as I clutch a matching hat, distorting the fabric. With one last look, I tear myself away and down the stairs. Outside I see Taran and the sight of him makes my chest ache and my eyes prickle despite trying to contain my heavy emotions, I walk towards him without a second thought.

At the sight of me, his whole posture changed to relax into aggravation. "What are you doing here? You should be enjoying yourself not bothering yourself with me." He stops as I approach closer, noticing something is not quite right.

I couldn't contain it anymore. Tears flowed from my eyes and a strangled sob escapes my lips. Once close enough, I wrap my arms around his torso, burying my head into his shoulder and hugging onto him as if my life depended on it. "He's here," I cried curling my fingers into the fabric of his jacket. "He's going to take me away. The piper."

I felt him pull me closer, fingers gripping handfuls of my hair. His lips brush the top of my temple before letting me go. His whole body screamed rage as he stormed off leaving me.

*

He bared his teeth threateningly, letting out an inhuman growl. The piper smiled, adorned with another glamour that hid his true face. It was obvious that he felt no threat towards the wolf in front of him or the other wolf that appeared to help support Taran.

Irked at the lack of reaction, Taran lunged gripping onto the piper and tore at him, the other male wolf following the lead.. Lacerations were formed, blood pooled onto the floor and with one last growl Taran gave a final blow. The pipers body fell to the ground with a thump but as soon as it did, everything about him faded away as if he never existed.

The piper appeared on the other side of the room, adorning his true face, and laughing. He gave another smile before disappearing.

*

I'm standing in the contained forest again, staring up at the branches of the tallest tree in the greenhouse. As if compelled, I turn my head to peer over me shoulder to see him standing behind me. He holds his hand out towards me, just like all those years ago.

Midsummer's Eve

The start of summer has begun once again. We all celebrate the coming of the heat, the long days, and intimacy that summer brings. Music fills the night under the endless stars and bodies twirl in a thoughtless dance.

With a simple twirl, the soft earth pulsating against my bare feet filling me with even more energy that hovered in the air. My vision is filled endless masked faces and flowing clothes of every color. Women wrapped in elaborate flowing fabrics decorated with gold embroidery, flowers of all kinds, jewelry and beads to appear more appealing to any potential partners for the night. Men dressed with the same purpose in mind; tunics of light material, exposed skins decorated with colored paints and adorned with various items of the earth; feathers, carved bones, glass beads of earthy tones, and varied jewelry from gold to leather. The various bonfires glowed, casting shadows across every face making identification harder alongside the masks the sat upon cheekbones and only revealing the eyes.

I felt myself being roughly pulled back in mid twirl, crashing into a firm body and strong arms securely wrapping around my waist. Grasping the upper arms of the person who grabbed me, I glanced up to see the identification of who boldly approached me. Dark locks that were half way between curly and wavy covered his head, framing around his face and mask. The mask was painted gold and glistened with gold glitter upon autumn colored leaves and dark feathers. However, familiar dark gold eyes peaked from the mask reflected the fire's glow making them a deeper gold than I normally saw them.

With a laugh, I pressed closer against his body despite the heat of the night and the fire. I was anything but surprise that he found me in the mass of dancing bodies. "Taran," I greeted with a smile before reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. Even in the darkness of the night, the contrast of our skin tones was striking.With a smirk as a greeting, he effortlessly lifted me from the ground in a bunch of twirls, the white fabrics of my dress trailing after me and lose flower petals falling from my hair. Laughing, I held onto him tighter with my focus on his dark orbs.

My feet finally found the ground noticing that he had withdrew away from the light of the fires towards the darkness of the forest. Filled with adrenaline of the atmosphere, I boldly slipped my fingers into his dark locks pulling his head down to meet into a deep kiss to his surprise.

Midsummer's Eve is a night for intimacy and celebration, and I had my partner for the rest of the eve.

Dream: The Alpha

They were coming.

I shifted uneasily watching lines of them encircle us against a canyon wall. There was no where to run, no where to hide, and they were closing in even further. The wolves paced around, no aggressive motions but tense ready to act when directed.

The little ones wouldn't have a chance. 

With a commend that reverberated against the limestone canyon walls, the wolves transformed. Lifting themselves up onto their hindquarters, morphing into a humanoid form. Majority of them were men, easily identified as fighters, hunters, warriors with their leather armor and muscular forms. A rumble of a growl vibrated from throat but there was nothing I can do. Either become apart of the pack or die. It was as simple as that and there was no way I was going to allow these pups to die.

The men beckond friendly towards the children, who hesitantly stepped forward toward these strangers that they were to call family. I could feel they're flickered glances towards me, looking for permission, for guidance. I could only give a tiny nod of assurance. Instantly the children began inspecting their elders, testing their boundaries, and gravitating towards certain individuals.

The children may need this protection, but I was certainly not going to assimilate without difficulty. My scoff was heard by the closest man standing next to me, an raised eye brow was sent in my direction. I met his gaze, lifting my head higher showing that I had no fear of him or any of the others here. "I am still an alpha, and I won't give that up."

Instantly the man chuckled, amusement twinkling in his eyes. "Are you now?"

"Yes," I growled threateningly, narrowing my eyes towards him.

He took a moment, leaning against the staff he was carrying.  There was still a smile plastered on his face, but his eyes had intensified in an examining manner. I met his gaze unwavering, waiting. It felt like their was silence just between us, the noise of the world had been drowned out around us. Then he faltered, pulling back his intensity as if he came to a decision. "I wouldn't mind following you."

Instantly I relaxed a bit. There was no joking or mocking tone from his voice, but truth.

The night had fallen, the twilight spend mostly with the children and this pack establishing a bond with each other. The man followed me everywhere I went, growling at any other in his, -our- pack who laughter at the notion of being a alpha. A young women who barely had any wisdom of the world in comparison to many of the women who dwell within the pack.

That's when I saw him. Instantly I know he was the alpha in this pack, the one who shouted out the commands when we pressed against the back of the canyon. His presence seeped out dominance, demanding respect and unquestioned authority. The way that two men followed him positioned themselves around him as a protectors but also not questioning his strength to take care of himself.

His eyes found mine, and like before, refused to waver my gaze. If anything, I lifted my chin a little higher in defiance. His guards snarled at my act, but a small smug smile spread across his face. He nodded his head in a direction, silently informing me to follow. I step over the dusty, desert red rocks to follow him, ignoring the two guards who stayed in place and the man following me also stood in his place, waiting.

No matter what, I would fight for my place.

The Duck and Happiness

It's over. The credits are rolling by with an image of Fakir by the lake with his quill in hand, and parchments resting in his lap with Ahiru swimming around returned to her original form as a tiny, yellow duck. There was a happy ending for everyone, except the one who saved them all.

Princess Tutu, a beautiful and heart-wrenching animation, of how a duck became a princess in order to save the prince that she loved from the Raven. She loved so much that she was able to become human and was doomed to vanish in a speck of light the moment she proclaimed her love to the prince. However, she was able to transcend her role and save everyone with the hope that glowed pulsed from inside her. Alongside with Fakir, the wordsmith who wrote the ending of the tale through her guiding emotions, they broke the bonds of fate. She saved everyone from the tragic ending that was written to happen. However, in the end the prince loved another princess. He took this princess instead and Princess Tutu, who gave and loved so much, returned to being a duck.

In my opinion, such a beautiful tale with a dissatisfying ending for the heroine. I couldn't help but cry for the fate she choose. She lived but what was left for her?

I was so depressed about the ending. I just kept thinking and thinking until it trailed off into a personal level. Will our fates be similar? It all ready seems very similar. Giving up our lives, repeating centuries of reincarnation, sacrificing life's greatest treasures such as raising a child, being seperated from our most precious people and so much more. And still we haven't reached a goal of being happy, being together.

Will there every be a happy ending for us? For me?

The Dark Road Ahead

I was running. It felt so surreal; that night, that moment.

My lungs were burning for air, my calves screamed at me for running up the mountain without stop. The endless, bright red shrine gates hovering over the old, stone steps. Dim lights laced the top of the gates together allowing some vision of the path, but outside the gate was absolute darkness. It felt like nothing existed outside of the path, only darkness waited.

Oh, how I wanted to stop and breath for a moment, just to catch my breath. Adrenaline pumped through every vein, the thrill of the atmosphere edged me on telling me not to stop. I could feel the spirits encouraging, racing outside the tunneled gates. I could just imagine Inari's fox messengers dashing up their mountain along with the stream of people.

Up I continued, making sure I didn't fall behind my companions. And then we reached the overlook with the morning light parting through the mists revealing the city below. Returning to me to reality. My chest heaved as I stared at the sight, the brand new day arriving with the sunlight filtering through the cloudy sky.

Walking down back the mountain, the darkness had dissolved and revealed the forest that had hid only moments before. Those brief few minutes were one of the best moments I've ever hard. I was all ready wishing that I was reliving it. Reliving the isolation of the path ahead of me and nothing else could touch me.

I have yet to feel another moment like that; where the path was crystal clear despite the darkness, leading me to the brand new day.

Now I sit in the middle of a stone path staring down the road the fades into darkness. There are no lights this time, no gates, no guiding force, no excitement or adrenaline. Just a feeling of dread and unwillingness as I sit there, staring.

Is this my path? A road full of darkness that I know will lead down to war, death and destruction. Even though I am not moving the darkness is crawling forward, and I wonder if there will be a light at the end.

Can we rebuild what was lost?

"Aren't you angry?" He sounds so dumbfounded. It's the first time he's reacted without any passive aggression or indifference since meeting him in this present life. With slightly widen eyes, it's obvious that his tone is genuine.

I stand in front of him feeling bare in my white dress in comparison to the layers of flowing clothes that adorn his slender form. I shake my head. "Not that I can tell. It's possible that she might be but I am not."

I pause a moment, watching his dark sapphire eyes register what I was saying. "To be honest, I got advice from Winter on what I should do. But you knew that, you over heard me mentioning it on the phone earlier." His tiny nod only confirms what I said. "And I am glad that he gave me advice I wasn't expecting. It's been thousands and hundreds of years since the incident. People change, especially after that amount of time. I would like to believe that you feel guilt for what happened."

Reaching out, I take one of his hands. His fingers are long and thin, similar to my own but slightly larger. I lift his hand and press a light kiss on his knuckles before pressing my the side of my check against the back of his hand. "I wish to rebuild our friendship. Winter explained to me fae hold grudges and honestly, I wasn't expecting to have this conversation with you so soon. I was suggested to take it slow, have you trust me as I want to trust you." Lifting my head to meet his gaze, I notice that they have soften. Something I feel like I haven't seen in a long time, a very long time.

"Let me ask you this, do you regret what you did?"

Kuval replies softly after a moment, "Yes." I stare up at him, feeling in my gut that there was something more to his answer.

"You don't fully regret telling him where I was."

"I do not."  He readjusts his hand; removing it from my grasp and holds onto my hand instead. His fingers lightly play with mine as he stares down at them refusing to meet my gaze. "I did not want to see you get married. He said he only wanted to persuade you into helping him. If you got hurt, I didn't mind. I wanted you to hurt the same way I was hurting."

"But you didn't know he was going to hurt me the way he did though, did you?" I vaguely could recall an image of my batter body long ago, how Taran saw me when he discovered my prison. Kuval pauses his motions as if he was recalling the past himself.

"No." There was a brief silence before his thumb start rubbing the back of my hand gently. "When they brought you back in after missing for a week, I thought you were dead. I was horrified but also slightly satisfied. The satisfaction of if I couldn't have you no one would. But...more horrified. In your condition, I was surprised that you were still some how alive."

Slowly, I lower myself pulling Kuval down with me. Ripples of water spread out from around us as we sat down in the inch leveled water. The water didn't feel cool or hot, just there along with our presence. I pull my hand from his grasp and lightly place my hand on the surface of the water letting ripples spread away from my hand. I like how it feels; not breaking the surface of the water but still feel the molecules pressing against my skin.

"And then you died soon after..."

"I suppose," I reply casually. The death of my first life was still very much a mystery to me. I can not recall any details of the time, eventually I know I will learn the truth but for now I have to focus on other things. Court things, building connections, training my body and mind, and my list goes on.

I sit there for a moment, staring at my hand. The words then came tumbling out of my mouth before even considering them. As if they had to be said. "You know, despite being in this life I... I still love Taran. He's the only one that I've been with in all my lives. Even now, I still do." I glance up to meet his gaze and surprised to see the expression on his face that couldn't be properly described in words. A complex mixture of hurt and anger.

In an instant, I saw a flash of light being reflected from the corner of my eye. My mind screamed knife and I jerked my hand back. Where my hand was previously resting, a silver dagger stood up from the ground, the tip of the blade buried into the ground.

Not knowing when and how he got there, Taran was in a protective crouch. An arm was wrapped securely around my whole waist that had pulled me back as I cradled both of my hands to my chest. His whole form seem to encase my own, my back against his torso, leaning over my head and one of his hands held out stiffly mimicking a claw, revealing his sharp, long nails in a threatening way. His chest rumbled with a low growl as her snarled at Kuval,"You dare harm your queen!?"

Kuval's dark sapphire eyes narrow, expressing his obvious disgust and dislike for Taran. He merely shrug his shoulders lightly as if Taran's words just rolled off of him. With a single graceful, flowing movement he stood and turned away from the both of us to walk away.

"Wait!" Taran's arm tightens around my waist as I reach out a hand towards Kuval as if compelling him to stop. To my surprise, Kuval did pause, peering over his shoulder. "Is there any hope at all? To fix our friendship?" I had to know so I didn't waste my efforts. I want to fix this but this is going to be a two way street, I can not do this alone.

Kuval remained silent for a few moments as if considering his options. "Maybe."

The Rain

I pull the wool cloak closer to my body trying to keep what little warmth I had left in while scanning the area again for signs of him. My once tight blonde curls now hung loosely, heavy with rain along with everything else. The wool cloak weighted down my shoulders, soaking up every ounce of rain water that was possible. The cold numbed every bit of my exposed skin, slowly inching for the skin that was hidden beneath the dress and cloak.

'He'll be here soon.' I keep telling myself the same thing over and over, despite hours having all ready past since the meeting time. I just couldn't pull myself away to return home. Worry nagged at the back of the mind; did something happen to him? What if I go home and just miss him? Is he all right? Did he forget?

I pause my thoughts, stiffening at hearing something in the distance. I strained my ears trying to pick up where the sound was coming from, stepping back closer to the treeline. I couldn't assume it was him; it could easily be someone from the village or neighboring tribe. Or worse, a Roman solider. Glancing on my right, I spotted a figure running in the distant. The figure came closer, and as the details became clearer, I instantly recognized his black mess of hair making my heart leap. Finally, after hours of waiting, he arrived.

Hurrying out of the safety of the trees, I ran to meet him half way no longer caring about protecting myself from the rain nor worrying about anyone seeing us. The longing to be with him easily overcame any worries that I had. Instantly he gathered me into his arms as my arms wrapped themselves around his torso. His hands grabbed fists full of my wet hair and pressed me as close to him as he breathlessly murmured my name, apologizing for not being able to come sooner. I buried my face into the cloak that covered his shoulder feeling his chest heave underneath me. "You're here now that's all that matters." I inhaled deeply smelling the forest on him mixed in with his own unique scent.

He pulled back slightly, releasing my hair to move his hands to cup both of my cheeks. He leaned in without a second of hesitation, sweeping me away with endless, careless kisses. It no longer mattered that we were suppose to be meeting in secret or that it was raining. We would always find a way to be together as we were meant to be.

Automatic

The sky gleams red with blood,

The city darkens,

mists seeping in,

blades are sharpen for war.

No one will be untouched,

from the chaos that will ensue,

stars will fall,

and the sun will dim.

Until the light returns to the sky,

hope will be restored,

and what was wronged,

will be right.

Returning the favor

"Taran."

He turned around slowly, facing towards me.

I knew the moment he stayed in Baraz's bedroom that he was thinking about our drop of sunshine. Baraz is a joyful child, well-behaved with tight, blonde curls it was hard not to make the comparison. I know I was thinking about him myself when Baraz was curled perfectly within my arms, leaning his head on my chest. I could only imagine what was going through Taran's mind.

I stepped closer, gently placing my hand on his forearm. All I could do is stare up at him, his golden orbs bore into mine silently. He wasn't going to say anything. "You were thinking about him weren't you?" I questioned hesitantly, not wanting to upset Taran. Remembering has been hard for the both of us. For me, remembering what life I was carrying and to know I had lost it tore at me constantly. I couldn't imagine what Taran felt knowing he didn't just lose one life that day but two.

"Yes." His voice was barely over a whisper making my chest tighten.

The last two weeks he did his best to sooth my pains. Holding onto me close with gentle caresses, whispering the best comfort that he could manage for the situation; 'It's not your fault,' 'There's nothing we can do,' 'We can always try again.' But I didn't--hadn't--return the same comfort.

I flickered a small, sad smile while reaching both of my arms up wrapping them a round his neck. Sliding my fingers into his black mass of hair, I lightly pressed on the back of his head down. His forehead rest against the crook of my neck, his breath skimming against my bare skin. His arms wrapped around my waist as I held him tilting my head to rest against the side of his head. Unlike Taran, I couldn't think of anything to say to ease the pain but just hold him.

I'm sure he didn't want me to see him like this but after tonight, seeing me taking care of Baraz probably triggered something from the past that I didn't remember but he did. We were both suffering at lost of something precious and all we had were other to try and ease the pain.

Drop of Sunshine

The gift of sight is not always a curse but it is not always a blessing. The flow of time is always changing thus nothing is ever certain even if something has been seen. There is always the possibility that something will change and the path will alter.

And the path did alter, away from what I saw to come. My precious child snatched away by the shifting sands of time. The child was going to be a beautiful boy. Honey golden locks, curled and wavy just like his father’s, would frame his round face. A single dimple would claim one of cheeks brightening every smile. Eyes would be a light gold hue that would stand out from beneath the tips of his sun-kissed bangs. An even tan smooth over his skin, darker than my own but lighter than his father's. He was going to be a drop of pure sunshine. Our sunshine.

But he never had the chance to see the light or to even breathe the sweet air. He will never be reincarnated; forever lost without getting an opportunity.

Remembering hurts terribly, and leaves me scared for the future. Because I see another child, a daughter of the night, but I'm afraid that darkness will snatch her away too.